“Losing, quitting, or even dying is not an option”. That’s the revelation I have arrived at after contemplating an exit plan for the most current dilemma I have found myself in. The only way to get out of this mess is by winning.Â When was dyingÂ Â eliminated as an outcome? It could happen to anyone, yet I am not allowed to choose it as a path. Quitting seemed like a good choice, once you’re in it, you can’t quit. Then what about losing? Well this is not a game; there is no losing. You’d think, “then under what situation would you win”?Â Â Actually, there’s no winning either. The only choice is to live it out. But I’m bleeding. I want to die but I cannot. I want to quit but I cannot. What the fuck? I don’t want to live anymore…Â
Close your eyes. Raise your palms to the heavens. Sway side to side. You can almost feel god reaching down and touching your soul…
God does not want to touch anything of yours even with a 6 feet pole. You are just feeling the blood rush down from your arms and becoming dizzy because your eyes are closed.
Open your eyes. It’s already here.
First rule of command, “Do not get angry”. Most commanders cerca 1940s would have failed this test.
“Welcome to command 101”. The drill sargeant loudly announced the nickname of this class. “There is one and only one reason why you should be commander. ‘Because you’re better at commanding than anybody else on your team'”.
He continued, “Some of you may be here because you are natural born leaders. Some of you may be here because you earned the trust of your superiors. But the most important thing in command is to earn the trust of your subordinates”.
“So, the first rule of command is ‘Do not get angry’. Sure, your men will make mistakes. Sure, they will disagree with you time to time. But the important thing to remember, is that they made those mistakes and they disagree with you, because they can’t do and don’t know as much as you can. Can you do a better job than them? Sure! But do you want to be doing everything that some lackie should be doing FOR you? Of course not! You’re the god damned commander”.
“It is up to you to give clear and concise orders to your subordinates, in a proper tone and manner that they will understand. You must understand your men and act accordingly to control their reactions to your commands”.
“So, there’s rule number two, ‘Don’t ask questions if they can answer with a NO'”.
We all make choices in life. Some more important than others. Some forced, some by free will.
“REVENGE, FORGIVENESS, or ABSOLUTION”.
Those were the three choices that I was forced to pick from. The only other choice was to forget and walk away.
“The second choice takes more courage than the first, and the third more than the second”.
Sure, revenge was easy. But that meant that the results would be disasterous. Forgiveness on the other hand was very difficult – I wasn’t sure if I was ready to forgive them for what they did. But what was absolution? What would absolutely positively finish whatever this mess has become and absolve the most explosive anger and dissolve every little guilt and regret?
“I know it’s difficult for you to choose”.
What would remove them from the face of this universe, remove them from the memories of the victims, and remove every trace of evidence that this ever happend? What did I need to do to free everybody involved?
“You’re not a perfect human being. What do you think gives you the right to be judge, jury, and executioner”?
My hand was trembling. I noticed that my toes and fingertips were cold. What does give me the right to take revenge or forgive?
“You know what DOES give you the right? Circumstance.”
Right. The fact that I am here with the opportunity to judge and execute does give me the right to choose, but really, DO I?
“If you’re not sure, just walk away. But this kind of opportunity may never arise again”.
Yes, I worked very hard for this. It was near impossible to get here. But if I do this, I’ll never be able to take it back.
“Of course, but they can’t take back what they did either”.
But was I the right person?
“Who else is there? God? Do you think god bothers to come down here personally every time something like this needs to be done? NO. You need to choose.”
Then it uttered with a sob, “Please don’t kill me”.
I pulled the trigger.