Bleed It Out

“Losing, quitting, or even dying is not an option”. That’s the revelation I have arrived at after contemplating an exit plan for the most current dilemma I have found myself in. The only way to get out of this mess is by winning. When was dying  eliminated as an outcome? It could happen to anyone, yet I am not allowed to choose it as a path. Quitting seemed like a good choice, once you’re in it, you can’t quit. Then what about losing? Well this is not a game; there is no losing. You’d think, “then under what situation would you win”?  Actually, there’s no winning either. The only choice is to live it out. But I’m bleeding. I want to die but I cannot. I want to quit but I cannot. What the fuck? I don’t want to live anymore… 


  • Celia


    I’ve been there several times. It sucks there. You’re full of anger but otherwise empty. You are depressed; may be not clinically, but emotionally sad enough that you’d contemplate choices that are obviously not suitable for your ultimate desire. There is no way to get out of it, other than seizing control of the situation and of yourself. And to do that, you must move forward. You must take on life as it comes. You’ll notice that not much is impossible. Afterall, why would you have picked the path if there was no chance for you to succeed? You’re smart and you know it. You would have eliminated a choice if you thought there was no way for you to get through. Hold on tight and take control. You’ll get through it… and after all that if it still doesn’t work out, it’s not too late to kill yourself then.

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    In life, there are hardships. As the oldest one here, I can attest to that. Sometimes things DO seem impossible – like there are no more choices left. But instead of waiting, just go. Help is not coming, just do it yourself. Sulking is not going to do anything. Anger does nothing but cloud your mind. What you need to do, is to think about the problems themselves, not about your poor self having the problems. The key to that is to make it impersonal. Mechanically organize your life. But beware, this is a double edged sword. Problems that could have been solved with a little human touch could become sour this way.

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    Thanks for your comments. I understand what both of you are saying. It’s just so difficult. I want help but I know nobody else can do it. Like you said, Celia, after all, if I thought I couldn’t do it, why did I try it in the first place. Well, thought I could do it, and I still think I can do it, but I just don’t want to any more. Thinking about it just makes me angry… and empty. And James, it’s so hard to snap out of it. I know I just need to step back and take a look – but I JUST DON’T WANT TO. I just want to cry.

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